Sunday, 30 March 2014

Six Months of Sweat

On Thursday last week as my trainer was doing his darnedest at making sure that walking would be difficult the next day I realized how far I've come.  
During the previous three weeks my workouts included running on the treadmill at 6.0 mph at 4.5% incline for 3 minutes stretches.  This week I ran for thirty minutes straight at 6.0mph and every fifth minute sprinted at 6.6mph.  Six months ago 6.0mph was my top out!  I know my trainer has increased the difficultly of my program gradually from session to session but I'm still impressed and what my body can now do.  Despite the added challenge, the sessions are almost easier, in a weird way.   
(don't let him know I used the word easy in conjunction with his workouts!)

I say easier because, to me, my body is stronger and noticeably more fit so it can actually do what it couldn't before. Lost weight and toned physique aside, I totally love how I feel. Exercise is addicting.  Physically and mentally. Back in January when I was convinced that my body could not break 130 unless I dieted hard core, I was okay with that.
. I'm totally psyched with my new scale weight - who wouldn't be? - but because I love how I feel I would - and do -exercise anyway. 

Also, as I keep at it, I realize how much freaking work this is!  Work seems like such a simple word for something so complex.
 I feel like I get why most people don't/can't exercise like I do.
 Time, motivation, self-control, and energy...the list goes on and all are legitimate.

Fortunately everything has aligned in my life to allow me to do this:
 -  My personality is such that I am very self motivated. I think this is the key factor for me. I've always been able to exercise at home.  After having babies I worked out during naps or (especially now) force(d) my kids to bear with me.   I try to save their TV time for my exercise time. Their personalities have been such that I could/can do that.  
- As for time in general - Trevor and I slowed down our schedules this past. fall which helps, but some nights I don't work out until 8:30PM.  I detest exercising that late but that motivation thing pushes me so that I do. Grumbling and swearing some nights mind you!  
- Motivation and a good dose of stubbornness enable me to get through low energy times, these often are the 8:30 workouts after a full day of work.
- I am lucky, too, that my body can be put through the paces.  I don't have a bad back or knees or anything physically preventing me from being active. 
  - Self control with food is the hardest for me. I love food and hate being hungry.  I have discovered some foods that are filling and not calorie laden.  Most mornings, I plan my whole day of eating at breakfast.  I allow for wine, birthday cake, and evenings of chips or appies with friends.  I also allow myself a full on, guilt-free cheat day/evening once a week if the occasion is there, which it usually is.

Our Mexico vacation was really good to let my mind and body relax.  I ate and drank what I wanted for the most part.  I managed two runs at the gym, not out of guilt but because I wanted to.
Unfortunately, it only took that measly week two gain back two pounds.  Crazy.  So quick and easy to partly undo what was long and difficult to achieve!  But it was good, in a way, to experience how quickly it can all go to heck.  Now my being lax was lax to the extreme and the circumstance 'fed' it but I will now be more mindful with future holidays.  

I'm happy to say I am pretty much back at my pre-Mexico condition.  I've signed on for another five sessions with my trainer and we'll see how things "go"!

Thursday, 27 March 2014


(So I started this a weeks ago and then life happened so the date references are a bit out. BTW it is still snowing!!)

As I walked Sierra to the bus this morning I braced myself against the biting wind and shuddered at the 10cm of snow in the forecast.  
First day of spring my a**! 

What a winter we've had!

Was only just over a week ago that I was wearing shorts and sandals and swimsuits?  That I was basking in warmth and relaxation and fun?


I know, I know, poor me.   It was a fantastic vacation and I long to back - which proves it  was good.  We had a great time as a family with hardly a care.  I had a horrid time getting back into reality after this vacation, which I've never experienced to this degree.  It took until yesterday for me to feel like cleaning up the disaster that our house had become!  I think that is because I so completely gave up all stresses and cares while we were away, which I haven't done since we pre-kids.  Any other trip there were responsibilities such as cooking and cleaning with camping, my mother-in-law, how much this or that is costing etc.  All inclusive was really all inclusive.  My biggest concerns were making sure the kids were appropriately sun-protected and in my sight.  

We are blessed that we could do this and are already dreaming of another such vacation, probably not next year but maybe in two?

Here are some highlight photos: 

The view from our fifth floor room of the Crown Paradise Resort.  I never tired of it!

Ready to hit the pools!

Sierra discovered Shirley Temples - can we say constant sugar high?

There was this great kids-only pirate-themed waterslide area.  I wanted to be under 12!


Add caption

Thursday, 27 February 2014

About The Kids

My sweet, cuddly little boy turned four this past Sunday.  I want to cling to his cuteness forever; I am so loving the stage he is at!
Sawyer has a mischievous twinkle in his eye that reveals his awesome sense of humour.  He is very affectionate and loving.
He definitely has an opinion and stubborn streak too.  But his cuteness melts my heart and resolve far too many times.

I have him registered in pre-school next fall for two mornings a week.  
The next stage is beginning far too soon.

Don't think about that!  Enjoy the now.

I/We are still struggling with Sierra and her dislike of leaving us.  I'd say there is a bit of improvement overall but it totally depends on the day.  I have put my foot down and simply told her she has to go on with everything.  I respond as minimally as possible to her whining and complaining and excuses.  If there are tears upon leaving she gets a hug and I pull myself away and go.  I'm told she's fine after minute.  That's what keeps me from bawling, and the fact that she comes home happy all the time.  Oh, and I get so annoyed with her antics by now that there is actually little heart break anymore at her 'distress'.  Am I heartless?  Perhaps a little a times but she has to learn and I have to survive.

I've come to the conclusion that at first this may have been a reaction to Oma's death.  Now it is a bad habit.  She's trained herself to react the way she does and while I don't believe she is consciously doing what she does I don't believe it is as genuine as it was.  

My reasons for this conclusion? Back a year and half ago or so Sierra started having bad dreams every so often and would wake me at night.  Legitimate and believable.  I was compassionate.  But they went on, and increased in frequency.  I was losing sleep and patience.  After one particular week of nearly nightly wakings I decided she couldn't possibly be having that many bad dreams.  She would wake up, go to the bathroom and then disturb me.  I believed that the thought of a bad dream became a habit upon waking up in a quiet dark house. So I coached her on some tools to cope and firmly told her she was not allowed to wake me, if she had a really bad dream she could wake Daddy. (the kids never go to dad at night)  The frequency of bad dreams quickly diminished and now she rarely has them.

So with resolve and a firmness I have to dig down for I have laid down the law.
We've had a couple of bumps the last three weeks though.  Sierra was sick one week with a cold, and last week there was no school.  It's been hard to get into a routine.  Next week we're away but then we'll have a month or more to really eliminate this issue before the next break!

In other news: 4 days untilMexico!!!!

Friday, 21 February 2014

Breaking 130!

It happened a week ago but I didn't quite believe it.
Then this week, there it was again.

When I got on the scale the number that flashed up was below 130lbs.
I haven't seen my weight read with a 12.. in over seven years.  To say that I am excited is an understatement.   I honestly wasn't sure it was realistically possible for me considering I had no interest in any kind of hard core diet or eating plan.  I just trudged on with my workouts and calorie counts for....five months I guess it is.  Despite much sickness and stress and Christmas thrown in there I have finally reached goal number 1.

My pants are all loose and I bought a bikini for our Mexico trip.
9 more days!

(I have so much more to say these days but oh to find time!  Sorry this is all for now but I had to at least share this.)

Saturday, 8 February 2014


Oh man it's been a week!  A week that attacked me after months of challenge, and Thursday afternoon found me on my knees on my bedroom floor desperately calling out to my God. 
I Was. Done. 
Poor Sierra is just not really improving and I don't know what to do.  It tears at my heart strings every time she has to go somewhere and she almost hyper ventilates while trying to hold back the tears. Sierra clings to me and I have to gently push to get away and leave. 

The song that inspired my post title was sang in church that morning and really hit home:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God, whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC 

That was on Sunday. I couldn't even finish the post I was that mentally taxed.  Monday actually went well and then Tuesday was as awful as awful could be.  I was ready to completely give up.  I felt alone, unsupported and like a total failure.  My emotions shut down that day.

Fortunately things improved.  And not a day too soon because Trevor left for Toronto for five days beginning Thursday morning.  The improvement wasn't just to the manageable point, it has been dramatic.  Sierra actually gave a cheery "bye Mommy" Thursday morning and gamely walked onto the bus Friday morning!!!!
Sawyer had been well behaved too.

As for me, Wednesday officially marked a week where I felt well and good and human (minus all the emotional crap). I have energy! I'm back into my regular workouts and mostly disciplined healthy eating.  My weight is still at it's 'lowest normal' and although more progress would be nice, considering the past month that is a huge victory.  I also got my house nice and clean on Thursday and that always helps my mood.  With being sick and working so much my poor house got neglected.  Lastly, I've been able to get going on some re-decorating that I've been wanting to do for, oh, a year!

So yeah.  I feel like I've come out of the dark and am enjoying some sun now.  I just hope it stays because I don't think I could handle any more kicks.

23 days until Mexico!

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Attempting to Rebound....

.....and meeting resistance. 
  My cough is almost better but now I suffer a sore throat that I fear - dare I even say it - is strep for the third time. Without the numbing effects of Tylenol I dread each swallow but I couldn't get into my doctor until Monday and after the last two bouts I refuse to see just anyone.

I got back on the treadmill Saturday, rested Sunday, did a resistance workout Monday, rested Tuesday, ran Wednesday and just finished a harder resistance/cardio workout. Today I was fueled by Tylenol and caffeine and anger at still being sick.  I am determined but am I doing my body more of a disservice than anything?  Despite the lull in my exercise I've been a very good girl with my eating.  Often when I get ill or in an emotional funk I throw control to the wind and eat what I want and as much as I want. Not this time. 
 I got on the scale again this morning and there is no change from last week. I'm not in the least bit surprised the number isn't lower since my activity level has been decreased and I'm at the break point of where my body is comfortable.   

In other news of my stressful, woe-is-me life:
My dear daughter stresses me out every time she needs to go some where that involves leaving me; usually weekday mornings.  Sierra whines and complains and works herself up to a queasy tummy and I spend the time trying to appear calm and upbeat and reassuring. Inwardly it's twisting me up!  The tears have mostly ceased, except for Tuesday because she had to take the us home after school and was uptight about it in the morning already. 

Then there's our weather: one day cold the next balmy with regular twenty to thirty degree temperature fluctuations from one day to the next.  One's body can't adapt in the least bit so it's no wonder I can't seem to fight off these damn germs. 

Then there's doing my best to keep on with regular life like, you know, friends and church and laundry and cleaning. 

My in-laws have booked a trip here in less than a month. More stress. I won't even bother to start 

I'm exhausted and can't catch up. If it's not one thing it's another.   My parents are taking the kids for night this Friday so there will be a little reprieve.   

Thank goodness Mexico is in 39 days!  

Friday, 17 January 2014

Forty-five and Down

 Sick sucks. 
I'm feeling rather beaten down today.  With all that I've been through in the past six months
  I. Am. Done.
I feel like I've pushed and pushed and pushed on and suddenly today I simply can't anymore. I was finally on the upswing and then Sierra's anxiety started and I was attacked by a lousy cold that won't end and I've reached my limit.

Yes, I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself.  Yes I just want to sulk on the couch with junk food and sappy movies.  Yes it is very much a first world problem.
But yes this is how I feel right now.