Thursday, 27 September 2012

35 and Tired

Could it be the cold I've been fighting for two weeks? 

Could it be that the night is rare where one or the other child does not rouse me from blissful slumber at some point?

Could it be the adjustment to getting up and being ready by 8 A.M. three mornings in a row where it used to be a necessity for only one? 

Could it be the overall adaptation to fall scheduling?

Could it be the later rising/earlier setting sun?

Could it be my diet?

Could it be from the complete absence of exercise as a result of said cold?

Could it be that I've officially reached my mid-thirties?

Could it be a combination of all of the above?

 What? You might ask.  Or might not but I'm going to tell you anyway!

Oh that I am impossibly tired and fatigued these days.  It is all I can do to get through my days lately.  If caffeine could go in an IV drip I'd sign up.  Now.  Caffeine is only a temporary, artificial fix though.  I know that aside from my cold I am technically very healthy, I just had my physical and was given a big thumbs up.  I think the sluggish feeling is everything catching up to my poor body and there is just no opportunity to take the time to recover.  A mom never gets the chance to be sick; to lay in bed or on the couch and watch daytime TV and allow whatever is plaguing her to run its course and get on out.  Nope.  A mom is Mom 24/7.  Not that I'd trade it...

I'll get through this.

I get a night away in a beautiful, local mountain park with just my hubby this weekend as my birthday present.  That should help!

Monday, 24 September 2012

Doors

Last February, upon complete frustration with our finances, I threw up my hands and accepted the fact that we were where we were and there wasn't much I could do to change it.  It made no sense for me to try and work more due to child care costs, there were no teaching jobs (or other jobs) available for Trevor, and the odds of winning the lottery or successfully planting a money tree weren't in our favour!   We were living comfortably but our opportunities to save for much more just weren't there.  Oh Trevor and I had plans for our yard and for travel and for our house and for....but aside from maxing out our credit cards there simple wasn't the means to carry out these plans.  A door closed.

This past May, as I sighed and resigned myself to the fact that Trevor would likely never get a job as a teacher and actually let go of my dream for him/us relating to that, I saw a door close.
One Sunday morning, also in May, as I listened to the choir and the worship team, both of which I used to be a part of and love, I realized that door had closed too.

I volunteered to lead a women's Bible study group this fall, having done so year ago, but the need was not there and in early August I saw that door also close.

My babysitter for Sawyer told me at the beginning of August that she would no longer be able to watch him on Mondays while I went to work.  Slam!

Seeing all those doors close is little disheartening to say the least.  Life was getting a little boring and mundane, I felt like I had no purpose or direction.  But deep down I knew that God was allowing this for a reason so I've been watching and waiting for new doors to open.

As September threatened to arrive, signifying the end of summer, I delved into our care group study book entitled "Unstuck" by Arnie Cole and Michael Ross.  It's about how to get out of the rut life likes to settle us into by re-engaging in the Word or God; the Bible. 

As soon as I began centering myself with Jesus Christ again, I began to feel calmer and more focused in life.  I also began to see doors crack open.

I found a great Christian lady with a four year old daughter, in town, to watch Sawyer - and Sierra when needed - at a super reasonable rate.  Open door.

My work expressed their need to have me work an additional day a week.  With less expensive, local childcare it was actually a doable option.  Beginning in October I will be working more outside the home.  (I say that because I know being a stay-at-home mom is work!)  Extra work equals extra money which means I can dream a little again of extras.  Another door opening.

I recently emailed our worship pastor about opportunities for involvement in the worship aspect of our church and it appears there may be a spot for me on a regular worship team!  The handle is turning on this one but not quite open yet.

Many people are getting beaten down as fall programing and schedules are launching into full swing but not me.  I'm excited and motivated as my life is moving forward in a positive way.





Friday, 21 September 2012

Oh It's Been A Time

The past week and a half tried gallantly to beat me up and take my name, and my kids names, and my husbands name.  It started last Tuesday with the onset of the back-to-school cold. Ironically it was Sawyer who first contracted it and he doesn't even go to school!  Sierra joined him within a day. What followed were bad nights, useless days infused with much TV, snot by the Kleenex full, and Children's Advil.  Once night Sawyer had an impressive nose bleed, while he slept - that was fun to clean up!  The weekend arrived and I began feeling a little "off".  Then Trevor.  Soon all four of us were sniffling and coughing and blowing and feeling rather drained.  The necessary tasks were done but that's about it.

Tuesday night a rock concert Trevor and I had been looking forward to was cancelled.  My cold moved into my voice and has stayed there for four days.  My work schedule came out and is not at all what I anticipated but will do. (I got my Mondays but only 1/2 day on Tuesdays, the day they said they needed me???)  Sierra got her 5yr immunizations and was out for another day.  Trevor had an employee try to cut off his hand with a saw, and another 'incident' involving a damaged sign that brought in the bosses. (always fun when the bossed get involved). l My parents have been away so we've been tending their house and yard, and visiting my 90 year old Oma more than usual.  Oh and my house is a complete and utter disaster as a result and it is repulsing me!

Today has dawned with promise and sunshine.  The snot is less, my voice is there, Sierra is herself, it turns out the damaged sign at Trevor's work was not his fault, and it is FRIDAY!!!!
My mom and dad return from a 16 day holiday tomorrow and we are going out to celebrate a friends birthday party tonight.  Oh and party we will!

Monday, 17 September 2012

Adjusting to Kindergarten

My sweet little girl started Kindergarten last week.  After a morning orientation with me Sierra was declared introduced and ready for her two full days a week.  Fortunately she went to pre-school last year, which took place two afternoons a week, so the shock wasn't too bad - for either of us! (last year I bawled as I drove away, this year not a tear or even a lump in my throat)
The first day was rather strange for Sawyer and me.  Sierra's been my sidekick, and later Sawyer's, for a total of five years.  Since I worked one of the days she went to preschool I only ever had one afternoon a week without her last year.  Sawyer napped while I either joined him in that endeavor or exercised.  All my errands and activities still included Sierra.  This past Monday Sawyer and I went to visit a friend, then got groceries, and had a couple of hours during the afternoon where he played in peace and I made meatballs for supper. It was quiet.  I won't normally have Mondays off work so I cherished it.

The second full day, well, was just strange.  Sawyer was bawling and clinging to me the entire time I got Sierra ready for school.  We had to leave a bit earlier because I had Sierra all psyched up to take the bus, promising to meet her at school.  We walked to the pick-up spot, waited with a few other kids - one of which was a known neighbour girl - and along chugged the large orange school bus.  It hissed to a stop, the doors of the great big bus opened, the other kids climbed on....and Sierra was dissolving into tears.  
Bus-driver Bob, with his scruffy face and gruff voice tried to encourage her but it was all just too much for my little girl.

So I drove her myself.

As much as I want her to take the bus for convenience sake, it's quite all right that she refused that morning.  Sierra-bear is growing up way to fast as it is and this mama might not have been able to handle it had she just marched her way onto that bus.   It may have to be a gradual process. 

As for my poor bawling Sawyer?  He fell asleep in the van on the way home from the school.  He then refused to sleep in his crib but snuggled right in next to me in our bed.  He's still there.  Little guy is just exhausted from the busyness of the past bunch of days.

I  had over an hour of silence in my house, wondering what the heck to do with myself!  I did my Bible study readings, then began this blog post. I also managed to put away clean laundry that had been in the baskets for a week.

Now it is Monday.  Sierra, Sawyer and I walked to the school bus stop again with the intent of at least getting on the bus and looking around.  We did just that and Bus-driver Bob said I could ride along and he would just take me home later.  (Small towns are great!)  So that is what we did.  For the first time in my life I rode a bus to school!  I don't believe I missed out as a kid.  It was an experience and I'm glad not a long one.

I will pick her up today and plan to ride along again on Wednesday, and maybe have her ride home alone?  It's not like she's ever left to her own devices.  Both ways there is always someone to get her one the bus and meet her right after getting off.  I guess we'll see.  I won't force anything too strongly.

It's kind of nice to be just two of us at home today.  We're both sick with lousy, no good, colds and naturally feeling under the weather.  There will be more TV than usual, more sitting than usual, and more soother and blanky for Sawyer than usual.  Only one kid around is definitely easier and more laid back than two!

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Sleep? Clean? What's that???

My kids have been firm in their belief lately that providing their mom with an interrupted sleep is their duty as children.  Well, mostly since we went camping last weekend.  
 
Sierra (5) has "bad dreams" and needs me to tuck her back in bed and pray them away for her.  I put bad dreams in quotations because I don't believe bad dreams are usually her reason for waking me an an unearthly hour.  Sometimes, yes, but she will get up, go to the bathroom and then wander around to my side of the bed before gently tapping me.  When I had a bad dream as kid (or even now!) I was too scared to barely get out of bed lest some monster grab me, never-mind make a trip to the bathroom first.  When she actually has a bad dream she will be trembling and have not gone to the bathroom yet.   Then I have no problem wrapping my arms around her shivering little body and comforting her.  But I think that Sierra wakes up and instantly has it in her cute little blond head that she's had a bad dream or is fabricating one because I consider it a valid reason for waking me.  Face it, the house is awfully quiet and dark in the middle of the night and even if you don't have a bad dream waking up and listening to the creeks of a house at night will put ideas in ones head!  Nevertheless, I can't be woken every night and remain sane.

As for Sawyer - who knows what his problem is!  For the past week he's been waking up during the dark hours (which are increasing in duration! Bah to summer ending) and after a ten minute snuggle is back asleep.  For some other odd reason, my little sleeper-inner has also decided that 6:00 (like this morning) or 6:30 a good time to be awake, after waking up during the night.  Trips seem to totally ruin his rhythm and we pay for it for a couple of weeks after!
 
Anyway, after a 4am bad dream and 6am wake up and almost two cups of coffee I'm doing great!
 
Really.
 
Don't ask me the same question this afternoon though.
 
Yesterday I began tackling some deep cleaning.  With the wonderful summer we've been fortunate to experience, time indoors has been minimal and needless to say the house has dried up and gone to seed.  I cleaned for hours and as fast as I was organizing and scouring another area was achieving national disaster status as my kids amused themselves!  The only consolation is that now I can open my pantry door, under the sink and a couple of other drawers and they are beautifully neat and organized and clean.

Seriously though, the more I started tidying and cleaning the more I realized how bad things have gotten and it almost depressed me.  It helps that Trevor agrees with me on the status of our house and is willing to help me gradually go through it section by section and hopefully we can whip it back into shape.  One of the major issues is that my kids are terrible at scattering stuff everywhere and not cleaning up.  Consequently by the time I'm finished gathering it all up I'm too tired to do the actual clean!  Granted, we haven't been that diligent in enforcing that they clean up.  Sierra goes in phases but Sawyer needs to be taught.  
I decreed last night that Sierra must have a clean room before bed and she must put her shoes/jacket/backpack away and also help clean up all the toys and other paraphernalia laying around.  That way we can devote more time to other things, like playing with them.

I try not to put too much pressure on myself regarding the condition of my house.  But I love my home and am proud of it and want it to look nice!  I know I have kids and with that comes a certain state of permanent disarray.  There still is no need for it to look like a bomb went off or walk around and have my feet stick to the floor!  I have friends whose houses are always spic and span and I have no idea how they do it.  Maybe their kids are more independent than mine or maybe they just don't play with them or maybe they know something I don't know.  There are days when I feel like a total failure where my house is concerned.  I have to remind myself that I have two young kids who I enjoy and who I want to remember their mom having fun with them, not constantly cleaning.  

Now please excuse me while I go and clean out my fridge freezer before the tired sets in!

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Fretting

I hate it when I fret about what could be/might be/possibly occur.  My mind whirls around and I think and plan and come up with scenarios in my head and stress.

Not good.

After being asked if I could work more hours, deciding to, and later double checking with the office manager if she foresaw any problems with me getting the hours I want (no), I now get told maybe I won't get them all.  The person who does the schedule - a part-timer with permission to work the days in conjunction with her husbands 10 on/10 off schedule, which I have a problem with - told me that I may not get to work all the Mondays now.  She's getting told to watch hour usage (naturally).  Mondays were always my day and I just added Tuesdays.  It was not an either/or agreement.  I get that it's a business and the full-time/ permanent part-time staff will get their required hours first, and that the bottom line is making money so to pay unneeded staff is not good.  I get it.  Technically.

Here's the thing:
I don't appreciate being told separate things from separate people.
Two woman have recently announced their pregnancies and after Christmas they will need me on staff.
Why not pay to keep my happy now and then they'll have me when they really need me?  I've even volunteered to take on an extra task to warrant some hours.
All the other staff seem to get what they want no matter what so why not me?
I hate having my plans messed with.  I'm a planner and an arranger and it irks me to have it messed with.

Now, as I inferred above, I'm perhaps needless worrying.   The next schedule hasn't even come out and I'm fretting over what might be.  I know I need to take a chill pill and deal with it when the time comes, if the need even arises.
 
I also need to plan ahead because although we don't need me to take the extra hours I do need the job.  I'm actually in conversation with another optometrists office in town about a job possibility.  It came about totally by chance and on a whim but perhaps it was actually divine intervention? 

Being genuine in this case means giving it over to God.  He owns tomorrow and a there is little more I can do until the schedule gets posted.  They know what I want.
Until then I pray, trust, and wait.