Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Tough Love

  Oh, it's been a time lately!  I had a large glass of wine on Monday.  MONDAY!!!! Then finished the bottle with Trevor yesterday.  What am I going to need by Friday?

That one time "not feeling well"/need-a-Mommy-day Sierra had turned out to not be a one time incident.  Last Sunday night she was again crying and saying she did not want to go to school.  She even came up with several 'reasons'.  She bawled all Monday morning but in the end got on the bus and went and had a great day. Tuesday she clung to me, crying, when I was dropped her and Sawyer off at the sitters, but again had a good day.  Wednesday she was up at six crying about not wanting to go to school again!  I managed to calm her and she agreed to go without crying if I drove her.  This week was basically a repeat except she went to school on Monday without a tear.  She just moped that entire evening and was miserable with me!

After weeding through all the excuses and helping out in her class this afternoon I believe I know the root of the problem.   Sierra's main concern now is gym and her gym teacher, a man, and she is not a fan of most men.  The usual flags popped up when she said this but upon speaking with Sierra I discovered her teacher hasn't actually done anything to cause this dislike, it's that he's male.  Sierra is an observer, often standing off to the side of an activity watching for awhile before joining in.  Gym requires the kids to jump in a participate.  The gym teacher said that he noticed this and has been trying to get her to engage and she may be taking exception to this?  I have an actual meeting with him on Friday. 
I sat in on her gym class and I can see her apprehension and knowing her, why.  She has to learn to deal with it, though, because although I know her fears are real to her, they are also unreasonable and if she doesn't learn to cope now than life could be tricky for her.  When she starts to cry and object to school I firmly tell her she has to go and refuse to discuss it over and over.   I literally have to turn off my heart or else it would break.

    After talking with her regular teacher I'm pretty sure there is nothing else specific going on, she's been fine until now.  I think perhaps the novelty of school and the bus has worn off and she's got it into her head that she doesn't want to go and this is the reason she's come up with.  And with me being sick and working more I also believe she is missing me; Sierra seems to have suddenly developed some sort of separation anxiety.  Whatever it is,  it's hard to deal with and I dread the approach of Monday again.
Oh, the realities of being a parent!

Friday, 16 November 2012

Mommy Day

I groggily pulled myself out of bed at 7:15 on Wednesday morning totally expecting to engage in the acts of getting Sierra ready to board the bus to school in a mere forty five minutes.  It's usually a flurry of activity and as I was mechanically making her sandwich Sierra wimpers,
"I don't want to go to school today."


That got me out of my fog pretty quick.

"Why?" I inquired.

"I don't feel very well."

"Ok," I said, a cold had been worming its way around our family but Sierra loves school so to not want to go was very unusual. "why don't you finish your toast and see how you feel."


Once her toast was finished Sierra still expressed her wish to just stay home.  She was on the verge of tears so I agreed.  Besides, it was so out of character for her.  So we had a home day, mostly hanging out and keeping things low key.  My dad even took Sawyer for an hour in the afternoon so Sierra and I could relax on the couch without having to worry about him.  
By about 3P.M she perked up and was bouncing around like usual.  

I don't know if she was actually sick or just "off" and needed a home day.
It was nice that I could comply.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Random Mind Spewings

Last weekend we were once again plunged into a deep freeze and inundated with snow.  Today it is sunny and warm and all melting.  Oh, and windy.  Can't forget the pesky wind.  If it's warm at this time of year its windy.  As in 60mph winds.  Bah!  Seriously, I much prefer cold and snow over wind.  Wind is noisy, and annoying and makes me cranky.  Snow is peaceful, and pretty.

We officially removed Sawyer's crib and change table from his room on Monday.
To quote Sawyer, "By bed!"
Remarkably there was no sadness or hard lump in my throat.  I have enjoyed pretty much each stage my kids have been at and I don't really long to go back because they keep getting better!
After Sawyer pooped in his diaper this morning for the first time in months so I have decided it's now time to night train him.   We DO NOT want to go backwards.  I'm lazy many morning so he stays in his diaper far too long.  Besides, we're almost out of diapers.

Cold number 3 in two months has plagued our household. 
(Cue whimpering) 
Sorry, I had to get that out.
I'd worry but I know at least three other families in the same situation and it is just a cold.  
But boy is it a mean one.
With two of my fellow employees going on maternity leave in January I am learning the eyeglass frame buying aspect of the industry.  Reps from the various manufacturers come and showcase their product and I get to help choose what frames to buy to sell to our patients.  How fun!
I'm starting to dream a little bit again.  
I pretty much stopped allowing my mind to wander beyond reality this past May when I had to accept certain facts regarding our life that I was turning a blind eye to.  I had lived so long with a particular focus and hope and when I let go of that I had nothing else.  I had clung to what I thought was God's plan for our life for too long and let it infiltrate every aspect of our lives so without it....
I've been at peace about the closed doors but haven't allowed myself to move forward with other hopes.
There is caution but once again there are dreams.
 As the joy of Christmas is surfacing and brimming with the season officially around the corner, my mood is lifting.  (it also helps that I'm getting sleep!)
I'm thinking of decorating, gift buying, parties, and good times.

Monday, 12 November 2012

It Only Took 6 Months

No. I'm not pregnant. 
We actually dismantled and moved the crib out of Sawyer's room today. The change table and rocking chair were also evicted. They will be sold because unless God intervenes in one of His miraculous ways there will be no more children for us. But that's not the point of this post.

The point is that over six months ago I began the process of making a new, modern headboard for our room. Today it finally got assembled and hung. A lot of under-the -breath curses ensued as it took way longer and was way more complicated that it should have been.  Trevor hates doing these sorts of mundane tasks.  But he's a good hubby and fortunately we both are happy with the end result.

Before (sloppily made and in natural day light)
After  (nicely made with romantic artificial evening light)

Thursday, 8 November 2012

What To Do?

(The motivation to blog every day, NaBloWriMo, ends and all of a sudden a week has passed in silence for me!)
I'm still functioning in a caffeine supported haze most days.  There hasn't been a night in the last couple of weeks where I haven't been woken up at least once by my youngest child.  It's gotten to the point where every little sound or bed movement has me in a constant state of awareness during the night so that what sleep I get isn't exactly sound.  The only saving grace right now is that we've moved Sawyer into a big bed so I just lay down with him for ten minutes or so, dozing, (if I fall asleep it's much longer!) until he's back asleep.  Relatively minimal interruption and often only once.  
By him.  
It's still interruption.
The other night Sierra also woke me up due to a bad dream.  A bin of Wii games spontaneously jumped out of a basement closet and made a huge clatter that had both Trevor and I jumping out of bed, hearts pounding.   Then Sawyer woke me up.
   Last night there were three visits and 6:30 wake up call. 
I can't win.
On a whole I'm getting by okay most days.  Today the heaviness in my eyelids is hitting me hard and it's only 8:30 A.M., but I'll push forward.  Coffee is my lifeline.  What else can I do?  I am seriously frustrated, though. 
 I don't. know. what. to. do.  
I know that he knows exactly what he's doing but how to get Sawyer to just roll over and go back to sleep by himself rather than wake me up is a conundrum.   
Maybe I'll go sleep in the basement.  Or a hotel.

Friday, 2 November 2012


It's Friday.
After two weeks of being back into work-out mode and managing three workouts each week I am realizing that I totally failed this week.  Nothing went as planned this week and by the time the kids were in bed each night I was about as enthusiastic about exercise as cleaning toilets.

have managed to keep my calorie count within reasonable parameters so I suppose that's half the battle.  OK well, actually according to statistics eating properly is 80% of the battle of a healthy weight.  Exercise just feels so much more productive.

I was aimlessly surfing facebook this morning, as I usually do while waiting for my morning coffee to do it's magic, when I came across a post by a former manager I worked under.  He has proudly put up a link here that features his wife as amateur female body builder of the week.  
She is 47.  
Check out the pictures if nothing else.

(I saw her in person at the end of April at a work-related conference and although she has a body to die for she did look a little manly, probably my jealously speaking here... then again, to be in that kind of shape at her age?)

I'm waffling between feelings of complete despair thinking that will be utterly impossible,
 (like, it'll be the day it reaches 30 degrees Celsius here in January before I attain that)
to feelings of hope that hey, I still got time, I'm only 35!
I can't fathom eating the way she does.  Working out - yes, aside from wondering where the time comes from.  But eating....  I know that after awhile your palate changes and a person learns to love what they eat and not 'need' the other flavours.  I enjoy healthy food but to eat over a dozen egg whites a day.....?  I don't actually think it's what she eats it what she doesn't eat.  I feel like I need an indulgence now and then - and a glass of wine!
How about eating out?  Or going to people's houses?  I realize her diet is likely uber strict for training purposes but how would one translate that into something more 'every day'?  
Maybe I don't want what she has bad enough.  Maybe it's a lot to do with my phase in life having little kids?  Or a husband who has zero interest in that kind of thing?  Who knows?!

It does have me thinking, though, as I am currently striving to shed about sixish more pounds.  Gradually of course.

Now excuse me while I go raid my kids Halloween candy!