Thursday, 17 October 2013

Yo-Yo

After church on Sunday I began typing an upbeat post of being thankful (imagine that on Thanksgiving weekend!) but was unable to complete it because, you know,  turkey!
By later in the afternoon and the evening my mood has slowly gone downhill and I ended up having a good cry.  That's how am theses days; happy and optimistic one time and fighting the tears and pit in my stomach the next.  
It is hard, so hard, watching someone die.  
There is so much unknown.  So many memories.  So many, many thoughts going around and around and around.
My mind and heart are struggling mightily to process it all.  We are all carrying on with our lives as we must but there is this black cloud that looms just in sight.  The reality of what we are going through permeates everything.

I keep myself as busy as possible and fortunately my energy has been on the up so I can distract myself.   Yesterday after a visit to my Oma with the kids I could not endure being alone with my thoughts so I joined Trevor - forcing Sawyer to as well -  in the Wednesday evening grocery shopping.  (Sierra has an activity at our church and usually I stay home with Sawyer while Trevor shops)

I have been diligent with my workout schedule and had a fantastic session with the trainer today.  He pushed me hard and I have a challenging week of exercise coming up.

I clean.  When I'm stressed and don't know what to do with myself I clean.  My house is going to be spic and span in all nooks and crannies at this rate!

I've really been looking to God and praying.  I know that the strength I have to keep moving is from Him.  It would be really easy to just sit and mope.  I have the hope and reassurance that Oma will go to our Lord in heaven, and someday I will join her!

That is where I'm at.  Right now I feel good.  An hour ago the lump was stuck in my throat.  

Up and down.  Down and up. 

Yo-yo.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Trainer Time

You know I couldn't go too long with blogging about my exercise and healthy eating goals!
Yup!  I'm on to something new.
Again.
I'm realizing a long-time dream of mind and have actually hired a personal trainer.  He is the husband of a co-worker of mine who goes to clients homes and works out with them there with the equipment (or lack of equipment) the person has.  Depending on what you want he has different options ranging from just setting up a home program with no training sessions, to multiple sessions and a program to training athletes for triathlons.
I've chosen a five week program where he comes to my house once a week and works me out for an hour and has four additional "homework" sessions for me to do on my own for the following week.  Our first session was today and he worked me pretty hard; I could perform all the exercises and was tired at the end but not exhausted.  
I'm hoping this propels me over the stagnant point that I've been at for a year in that the workouts are more specific to me and I'm hoping more effective.
   
Along with this training I'm going to also work hard with healthy eating, not much different than usual.  Perhaps a bit stricter because I'm actually paying money now and I don't want to negate it with a lousy diet.  

Here I go again!

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

The Ugly C

We knew it would happen; it was inevitable.  But we all thought we had longer before the big C reared its ugly head again.

My Oma's cancer is back already, this time in a rare form of skin cancer.  It is possibly elsewhere too but we don't know.  She isn't in any pain but is often very tired which will only increase.  We have no idea how long she has.  Months likely.  This is and will not be easy but I think I feel better prepared to deal with it than I did last winter/spring.  
I think that and then I have periods of deep sorrow and pain and it's all I can to do to keep the tears at bay.  I see that the sparkle and enthusiasm Omas has always had is noticeably absent.  She walks so slow.  I realize that Sawyer will likely have little or no memory of her.  My cousins are suddenly making it a priority to come visit. 
Then I cry out to God and pray desperately for peace and comfort; I don't like this pain.  It's hard to explain, after all she is 91 and lived a long life.  But she is so much a part of my life...
I realized today that God has answered my prayer.  I haven't thought about her with the same grief since Sunday, and in speaking with my mom learned that Oma's energy and pep are up.  I know there will be many sad/hard days to come but for now I'm okay.  A huge source of comfort is that she is a believer in Jesus as her Saviour and when it is her time He will call her to heaven.  Heaven is a perfect place and when my time on Earth is done I, too, will go there.