Thursday, 27 February 2014

About The Kids

My sweet, cuddly little boy turned four this past Sunday.  I want to cling to his cuteness forever; I am so loving the stage he is at!
Sawyer has a mischievous twinkle in his eye that reveals his awesome sense of humour.  He is very affectionate and loving.
He definitely has an opinion and stubborn streak too.  But his cuteness melts my heart and resolve far too many times.

I have him registered in pre-school next fall for two mornings a week.  
The next stage is beginning far too soon.

Don't think about that!  Enjoy the now.

I/We are still struggling with Sierra and her dislike of leaving us.  I'd say there is a bit of improvement overall but it totally depends on the day.  I have put my foot down and simply told her she has to go on with everything.  I respond as minimally as possible to her whining and complaining and excuses.  If there are tears upon leaving she gets a hug and I pull myself away and go.  I'm told she's fine after minute.  That's what keeps me from bawling, and the fact that she comes home happy all the time.  Oh, and I get so annoyed with her antics by now that there is actually little heart break anymore at her 'distress'.  Am I heartless?  Perhaps a little a times but she has to learn and I have to survive.

I've come to the conclusion that at first this may have been a reaction to Oma's death.  Now it is a bad habit.  She's trained herself to react the way she does and while I don't believe she is consciously doing what she does I don't believe it is as genuine as it was.  

My reasons for this conclusion? Back a year and half ago or so Sierra started having bad dreams every so often and would wake me at night.  Legitimate and believable.  I was compassionate.  But they went on, and increased in frequency.  I was losing sleep and patience.  After one particular week of nearly nightly wakings I decided she couldn't possibly be having that many bad dreams.  She would wake up, go to the bathroom and then disturb me.  I believed that the thought of a bad dream became a habit upon waking up in a quiet dark house. So I coached her on some tools to cope and firmly told her she was not allowed to wake me, if she had a really bad dream she could wake Daddy. (the kids never go to dad at night)  The frequency of bad dreams quickly diminished and now she rarely has them.

So with resolve and a firmness I have to dig down for I have laid down the law.
We've had a couple of bumps the last three weeks though.  Sierra was sick one week with a cold, and last week there was no school.  It's been hard to get into a routine.  Next week we're away but then we'll have a month or more to really eliminate this issue before the next break!

In other news: 4 days untilMexico!!!!

Friday, 21 February 2014

Breaking 130!

It happened a week ago but I didn't quite believe it.
Then this week, there it was again.

When I got on the scale the number that flashed up was below 130lbs.
I haven't seen my weight read with a 12.. in over seven years.  To say that I am excited is an understatement.   I honestly wasn't sure it was realistically possible for me considering I had no interest in any kind of hard core diet or eating plan.  I just trudged on with my workouts and calorie counts for....five months I guess it is.  Despite much sickness and stress and Christmas thrown in there I have finally reached goal number 1.

My pants are all loose and I bought a bikini for our Mexico trip.
9 more days!

(I have so much more to say these days but oh to find time!  Sorry this is all for now but I had to at least share this.)

Saturday, 8 February 2014


Oh man it's been a week!  A week that attacked me after months of challenge, and Thursday afternoon found me on my knees on my bedroom floor desperately calling out to my God. 
I Was. Done. 
Poor Sierra is just not really improving and I don't know what to do.  It tears at my heart strings every time she has to go somewhere and she almost hyper ventilates while trying to hold back the tears. Sierra clings to me and I have to gently push to get away and leave. 

The song that inspired my post title was sang in church that morning and really hit home:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God, whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC 

That was on Sunday. I couldn't even finish the post I was that mentally taxed.  Monday actually went well and then Tuesday was as awful as awful could be.  I was ready to completely give up.  I felt alone, unsupported and like a total failure.  My emotions shut down that day.

Fortunately things improved.  And not a day too soon because Trevor left for Toronto for five days beginning Thursday morning.  The improvement wasn't just to the manageable point, it has been dramatic.  Sierra actually gave a cheery "bye Mommy" Thursday morning and gamely walked onto the bus Friday morning!!!!
Sawyer had been well behaved too.

As for me, Wednesday officially marked a week where I felt well and good and human (minus all the emotional crap). I have energy! I'm back into my regular workouts and mostly disciplined healthy eating.  My weight is still at it's 'lowest normal' and although more progress would be nice, considering the past month that is a huge victory.  I also got my house nice and clean on Thursday and that always helps my mood.  With being sick and working so much my poor house got neglected.  Lastly, I've been able to get going on some re-decorating that I've been wanting to do for, oh, a year!

So yeah.  I feel like I've come out of the dark and am enjoying some sun now.  I just hope it stays because I don't think I could handle any more kicks.

23 days until Mexico!